written february 25, 2007 at 9:57pm

i was reading on a d/s website tonight, and came across the following in a list of "submissives' rights":

you have the right to say no. being submissive does not take away your right to have dislikes or negative feelings about things. if something is happening or about to happen that you feel strongly opposed to, it's your duty to speak up. remember, failing to communicate the word no is the same as saying yes.

my friends, let me just say this really, really clearly:

the lack of a "NO" is not the same as a "YES".

did you get that???

seek consent. do not make sexual contact of any kind with a person from whom you have not gotten consent. seriously. it's really not hard. what are we so afraid of? (and i'm talking to myself here, most of all...because i haven't always sought consent, for sure.)

are we afraid that the person will say no? stop and think about that for a second. "i'm going to do something to this person without asking him if he wants me to...because if i ask, he might say no." wow, is that all kinds of fucked-up, or what?

are we afraid that we will look uncool or stupid or awkward? maybe so. but being respected makes a person feel good. having someone express respect and concern for my well-being in a sexual - or any other - situation helps me to open up and trust them. which builds a better connection on all levels, which leads to better sex and better communication and just lots of betterness.

in the bdsm and D/s world, we participate in what's called "scene negotiation". this is where the individuals who are going to be involved in a scene (a planned encounter of a bdsm or D/s type) get together and discuss the plan for the scene, each sharing zir ideas and desires and limits/boundaries. it's consent on a whole new level from what i've ever experienced in the vanilla world. and it's hot. ;)

vanilla folks could learn a lot from this. like, everybody is way more likely to get what they want, and way fewer people will end up in uncomfortable situations where somebody feels like they were violated and somebody else feels like they were misunderstood.

negotiate, my friends. seek consent. it will make you more confident, more relaxed, and happier in your sexual relationship(s).

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