written december 2, 2000 - 3 months into my husband's relationship with the woman he later married. this is after a pretty big argument, and just 6 weeks before he left.

i feel used up
like a rag
wrung out
and tossed in a corner
with no life or energy of its own
left to moulder
no longer needed
replaced

once again
i let his love for someone
make me believe
it could work
i could love her too
but once again
i gave my heart
and heard it scream in pain
when they tossed me aside

never again will i
love
i will be faithful to this man
without whom i cannot breathe
but i will not
let his loves
his passions
his words
convince me to open my heart
to another

i don't hate her
but i can't love her
can't let myself
sink into this hole
that seems so warm
and comforting
in its darkness
can't let myself
slip inside that bottle
that would be so
numbing
can't let myself
go away to that place
inside
where pain can't be felt
have to stay
have to fight
have to love my boys
be their mama
can't let them see
my tears
my pain
my broken bleeding heart
my misery
my devastation
gods how i wish i didn't
couldn't
love him
wish i could go
but i can't ever go
don't want to go
but why oh why
am i not enough?

why does he need her
love her
nothing like me
but like i used to be
all those things he says
he doesn't want in me
are all the things that
make him love her

i will not will not
go back there
will not be a victim
again
will not manipulate him
that way

but oh i wish he could
love me that way again
i see it burning in him
feel her fire in him
remember when i made him burn

i feel so empty
alone
lost
where is he
why can't he feel me
and know
i need him
why can't he hear
my heart crying his name

have to stop now
getting too far gone
my boys will need me
soon

dry my tears
wash my face
smile when he comes in the door
pretend i'm alive
pretend i'm okay
pretend
pretend
pretend

back