i almost didn't include this poem here. it feels very private to me. but very few people will recognize who it's written about, and they already know a lot about my feelings on this subject.

written july 30, 2003

so many people
coming into my life
joining those already here
some will be lovers
some may not
some will fade quickly
some will stay
for years
perhaps
for a lifetime
all will touch me
mark me
change me
but
the one
that i want
to love me
to make love to me
i'm afraid
never will
i sometimes hope
maybe someday
but i fear that it will never happen
i feel such a deep
connection
and i know
he does too
it's only the second time
i've felt this
with a man
and both times
he's been a best friend
only this time
he's holding back
pushing me away
making himself totally unavailable
and i fear that
won't change
is that why
i fell in love
with him?
because he won't
let himself
fall too
and therefore he won't
hurt me?
i know he loves me
he says it...and i feel it
and he's such a
sensitive person
most of the time
why doesn't he know
that i don't just
love him
that i'm in love
with him?
i've hinted it to him
but can't make myself
just say it.
and maybe that's best.
maybe now what i should do
is just back off
go back to being friends
pals
buddies.
we can flirt, but nothing more
he says.
so how do i fall out
of love
without stopping
my love?
i don't want to
lose his friendship
so do i just suffer
in silence?
i want to be open
honest
straightforward
with him
but
i'm so afraid
of telling him
of him being
freaked out
running away
such a beautiful
man
never have eyes
been so deep
looked so deep
when he looks at me
like that
i'm sure he knows
he smiles at me
and something breaks
inside me
my heart?
the wall around it?

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