written after a fight on the phone with my best friend, august 2, 2003

judgmental

always when i disagree and refuse to back down
you call me
judgmental

but i work every single day at not being
judgmental
i have opinions
and they are very strong
but i work very hard at not applying them
judgmentally
to those around me
the way i choose to live my life
is about me
it's not about you

but when you brought up this subject
that we've discussed
over and over and over again
and it's something you're doing
that i feel is hurting someone
and you've done it to me, too
and it hurt me
and when the other person
has mentioned it to me
and asked me what to do
about it
i felt justified
almost responsible
to tell you what i think of it

guess i should have known better

and now
you've cut me off in midsentence
to hang up the phone
with a curt goodbye
and i know
you'll stay angry
as long as i let you
you won't call me
you won't speak to me
unless you must
until i decide
to act like nothing's happened
and keep calling you
and keep talking to you
and finally
you'll pretend it never happened
too

guess what?

i'm not gonna do it
i will not make the overture this time
and if you never do
well
okay then

i'm tired
i'm tired of always being the one
who says "i'm sorry"
i'm tired of always being the one
responsible for our friendship
i'm tired of always having to consider
what i say to you
my best friend
you're supposed to be able to hear everything
i say
to listen to it
and let it go
at least, that's what you expect me to do
isn't it?

i know i hit a nerve
i know that any criticism of
any aspect of
your addictions
is forbidden
you can say it all day long
but nobody else
including me
can mention it
or we're judging you
or putting you on the defensive
or whatever
that's such fucking co-dependent bullshit
why should i do that with you?
didn't i get enough of that with mark?
i won't do it anymore
if i have an opinion i will express it
even if it pisses you off

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