written august 1, 2003, 2:24am

i'm lost
i'm terrified
i'm giddy
i'm completely confused
who the fuck am i, anyway?
i have said, over and over, for years
that it doesn't matter
whether the people i love
have a penis or a vagina
that it's who they are inside
that matters more than their genitalia
but that doesn't change the fact
that it scares me to death
to be falling in love with

a man

i mean, shit.
the only other time
i've loved a man like this
i lost myself
handed myself over
on a silver platter
and said
here
take me
change me
mold me
make me what you want me to be

i can't
won't
do that again

of course, he wouldn't
ask me to
- i don't think -
i don't think i'd love him if he did
after all i have learned
after how i have grown
i didn't love myself before
so it didn't matter to me who i became
now i love me
i think i'm fucking awesome
and i won't be someone else

it's all probably moot
anyway
since he's told me that
it won't work
but
what if he's wrong?
can i just let it go?
this feels so fucking right
it's not just passion
although that's there
(holy fuck is it there!
the slightest touch and
he's got me going.
i nearly melted
watching him lick an envelope
the other day.)
no, it's not only the passion
it's also who he is.
there's gentleness, but strength
beyond what i can even see
it's his eyes
so deep
so warm
so guarded
i want to swim in his eyes
i want to get past his walls
not break them down
but help him choose
to unbuild them
and take my hand
and draw me inside

why am i doing this to myself?
to him?
i can't be
don't want to be
ms. monogamy
i can't be what he wants
i won't be what he wants
or what he thinks he wants
i know that it's so stupid to think i could
convince him
that poly is the better way
but i want him
i want to be with him
and i can't
at least not really, not the way i want to be
(because i want way more than a fuckbuddy here)
unless he can accept the poly thing.
i just can't say i'll never want to
need to
fall in love with someone new
have sex with someone new
i can't say i'll
give up all of my lovers

is writing this supposed to help?
-laugh-
it's not
not yet, anyway
i don't feel any less confused
or lost
or terrified
or giddy, for that matter.

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