ember was the first baby i miscarried after daystar was born. it was a very difficult miscarriage, both medically speaking and emotionally speaking. there has been (as there will be!) much personal growth since the time i wrote this poem. but its raw pain and beauty still moves me to tears every time i read it. when i wrote this, i had spent a year being horribly depressed and barely functional and then another year trying to get past the depression to some sort of normality.

written september 27, 1997, on the 2 year anniversary of my miscarriage of ember griffin young...for her and all the babies that i'd lost

ember
it's really kind of funny sad
this morning i woke up and knew
that i'd started bleeding...about 9am
even though it's right on time
for the cycle i'm on now
i just think it's a sick joke
that two years ago i sat up in bed...at 9am
and gushed a puddle of blood
blood that was you falling out of my heart

and now i'm sitting here (was lying in our bed)
with the cramps rolling thru my womb
remembering
the night i spent laboring alone
not wanting to push you out of my body
but having no choice

baby i didn't want you to go
i loved you so much, and i love you more now

when the little bag slipped between my legs
and i felt its warmth i wanted so much to believe
there was somehow -- magically -- still life there
but no
there was only a tiny perfect baby
no mrs young we can't tell if it's a boy or a girl
but i knew
it's my sweet ember girl
she didn't mean to go away
i know in my heart she wanted to stay

but now i wonder
was it something i did
cause i'd take it back in a heartbeat
you know
and if you come back to me
by some miracle somehow
i swear i will be so very very careful
i won't let anything bad happen this time

sweet love
i need you so much
the hole just gets bigger every day
every hour
every minute
my arms are empty aching
my heart and my soul are gone
and i feel like just a shell
i float through days and nights
smiling laughing talking
but it's not really me
just some stranger i made up
so nobody could see
my family feels it but they don't know what to say
but most people don't even know
sometimes i'm glad
but
other times i want to scream
why don't you people see how much i'm hurting
oh yeah
it's because it's buried down inside of me
there's plenty of room for all the pain
cause there's this huge hole where my heart
my soul
my love
my womb
my baby girl
used to be

i guess i'm a pretty shitty mother too
cause i should be glad i have daystar
he's such an incredible wonderful child
am i shortchanging him
does he really know
it's not really me in here
i try so hard to be happy that i have him
and i am but
he can't ever take your place
one child can't ever be the one that's lost
how can i heal this hole so i can give him
what should be his
my heart
my soul
my love

goddess why why why why why
i ask it a thousand times a day
an hour
a minute
is there a goddess
a god
is there anybody out there
anywhere
or is it just us
locked in our little lives
without any input from anyone else

and i ask
why didn't i die
i lost enough blood
it could've (should've) killed me
not cause i want to die
to hurt me
or the others
but because if she can't come back to me
then i want to go to her
find her
hold her in my arms
(why mama why didn't you let me hold her)
i wouldn't have cared if she was ugly or sick
or even if she didn't live
if only i could've felt her move in me
if only i could've held her in my arms
even for a moment or two

when they gave her to us (the lab)
she was in this horrible specimen cup
with a green lid
i don't know why i remember that green lid
so clearly
the wax they'd put her in had melted and
made her stick to the bottom
i looked at her in the bottom of the cup
i looked at her eyes and her little teeny
umbilical cord
and every little bit of her, just an inch long
there
in the cup
but not in my hand
oh no not in my hand
why didn't i hold her
i could have, it would have been simple
just to tip the cup and let her slide into my palm
but i didn't...
couldn't...
wouldn't...
no, i didn't touch her at all
i let daystar look and he touched her
but not me
not her mama
why oh why

i want her back
even if her soul never comes back to me
i want to go there
to where she's buried in a box
and dig her up and bring her home
i don't know why
it's weird and sick and stupid
i guess
but i just want her back

my tears are gone for now
writing has helped i guess
i feel numb again
the pain
is going away
is there ever anything more
than this
is there ever a good feeling again
or is numb the best it gets from now
on

back