written may 24, 2007 at 12:03am

one of my dearest friends is going through a struggle lately. he wants a boyfriend - he's never had one, which is a ridiculous shame - and has been interested in a couple of our friends who are bisexual. both of them are still in the early bits of the coming-out process, which (more than their being bi, in my opinion) has resulted in him feeling a bit jerked around, especially by one of them in particular. his response to this has been to spend a decent amount of the time we're hanging out together bashing bisexuals. at first i was trying pretty hard to listen and be fair, and recognize the pain beneath his words.

but it isn't okay, and i finally called him out on it a bit the other day. he insisted that it wasn't biphobia and it was only fair for him to feel this way after his experiences with bi guys. it hasn't come up again since...not sure if it will or if what i said was enough.

i'm just...troubled by it. this is a gay man, a very adamant and outspoken opponent of homophobia, a radical who tries to reject all forms of prejudice, classism, etc. if he can spout biphobic nonsense, reducing all bisexuals (or at least all bisexual men) to a single caricature, and say it's not biphobia, it's just the fruits of his experience...what can we expect from people who aren't committed to a sane, equal society? oh, wait...i remember. bashings, beatings, being fired without cause, being pressured into hetero relationships because we're afraid, rape (hey, we just haven't met the right guy yet!)....

i've heard this argument before, this, "i'm not biphobic, but i've got a right to process my own experiences and allow that to affect my life, don't i?" (not my friend's exact words, mind you.) it went something like this, "i mean, i'm not an asshole. i'm not a homophobe. i don't mind queers at all, you know? unless they fuck with me. and that's not homophobia. it's based on my own experiences of some fucking sissypants guy hitting on me in a bar. hitting on ME! can you imagine? i mean, i'm obviously not a faggot. anyway, i don't really care what they do, as long as they don't do it around me...that way i don't have to kick anybody's ass, and everybody goes home happy, right?"

we have to stop categorizing people and shoving them into little boxes according to their labels. people are people. every person is different from every other. if you're not prepared for folks to assume they know something about you and how you'll behave based on the behavior of every other person who fits into some subgroup that you belong to (like, guys with long hair, or anarchists, or queers, or people who drive chevys, or whatever), perhaps you should carefully consider whether you're doing the same thing.

love...from one pansexual being to all of you, wherever you are.

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