written february 25, 2007 at 9:57pm

i wrote this for a listserv i'm on. the discussion (which i can't share in any more detail here) was about whether one should fit into a defined set of actions or appearance or whatever in order to use a certain label to identify themselves. (top/bottom/butch/femme/boi/daddy/etc.)

i am pretty new to the leather/kink/fetish/bdsm community. but i've been completely out and active in the glbt community for more than a decade, and i came out to myself and some of my close family and friends 15 years ago. i have had friends and lovers who are transgendered and pursuing transition. i have had friends and lovers who are trans but don't intend to transition. i have had friends and lovers who identify as genderless or third-gender or genderqueer. i myself tend to identify in my head as genderqueer, though i don't talk a lot about it to folks because i don't quite know what that means to me, except that i don't feel either masculine or feminine. i don't believe in a gender binary...i think there are infinite possibilities within the realm of gender. the same is true with everything - "sexual orientation" (i.e. who you are attracted to/who you like to fuck) is not black and white, it's a beautiful neverending range of greys. "femme" men might not be gay. "butch" women might not be lesbians. there are so many possibilities that most folks don't allow for!

the thing i have come to realize, more than ANYTHING else, over the course of my journey thus far, is that nobody can tell you who you are or who you are supposed to be. you get to identify yourself. you get to choose whether or not to share that identity with others (though i encourage everyone to do so if at all possible, because it can be such an immensely rewarding experience). i don't assume i know whether someone is queer. i don't assume i know whether someone is kinky, or (for example) if they are into sm just because they're into power exchange. if they appear to be *at all* genderqueer, i don't assume i know how they want their gender identified. in the case of sexual orientation, i don't ask unless i need to know - like, am i attracted to them? then i might need to know. in the case of gender, i like to ask because i like to know how they want to be referenced: he? she? te? zie?

bottom line: be yourself, the beautiful unique you that only you can be. identify as you see fit. change your identity as you grow and evolve. if somebody tells you that you can't use a certain label because you don't fit in their idea of what goes in that box, tell them to go fuck themselves.

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